Invisible Woman Syndrome is currently being discussed in the media, with women of a certain age complaining that they no longer get attention anywhere. A recent article in The Daily Telegraph included an interview with Nikki Parkinson of Styling You where she affirmed the syndrome is alive and (un)well amongst her followers.
A read of the comments following the Telegraph article is saddening to say the least, but Nikki hits the nail on the head: “As women, we are always going to have negative thoughts — they’re always there in the back of our minds,” she says. “But we need to learn to flick them away and focus on the positive.”
I could not agree more; being visible is a choice we each make every day and in every interaction and it really has nothing to do with age. We all have a negative voice inside our heads which talks us down; “you’re fat”, “you’re old” “you look like mutton dressed as lamb”. We need to tell that internal critic to “SHUT UP” or similar words, and learn to tell ourselves more loving messages. Corny as it sounds, standing in front of the mirror and saying “I am beautiful” really can work – but at first you will need to push aside that negative voice that will no doubt tell you that you are a) ugly and b) narcissistic.
Some of us also have negative people around who puff themselves up by putting others down. If you find yourself in that position, it’s time to either find new friends or have a firm talk to those who put you down. True friends will always point out the positive – even if they don’t like your choice of outfit they will comment on something they do like – the colour, your legs, your hair. They will gently encourage you to look and feel your best. There’s a great story on a little help from a friend by Brenda Kinsel.
And please, don’t read all those articles telling you that at a certain age you can no longer wear …. Wear what you like, what makes you feel good and feel confident. In my 60s I find myself making braver choices than when I was younger – purple glasses, distressed jeans, bright red lipstick. I have no desire to look like a granny or be treated like one. In fact, I would say I am more visible now than when I was younger; I am certainly more confident. I’m not suggesting that you should dress like Iris Apfel (that’s all a bit much for me) but you have to give her credit that in her 90s she certainly isn’t invisible. Oh and if you like her style, then go for it, it isn’t for me to decide or judge.
When it comes down to it, it will be up to you to stand up straight, look the world in the eye and demand attention. You need to project confidence even if you don’t feel it, for surely if you don’t do so you will be ignored. You may indeed need to ‘fake it ‘til you make it’.
I do hear tales of women being ignored in stores and in general, and we are certainly not well represented in the media or on catwalks and advertisements for clothing (although that too is changing for the better). I can affirm that in the corporate world women are still often ignored in meetings. That is an issue for another time but let’s be clear, it is not an age-related behaviour.
I can honestly say I have never been ignored when I have been shopping – no wait, just like everyone else I am often ignored in a certain department store (David Jones I’m looking at you) but that’s because there are so few staff on the floor; I certainly don’t take it personally. I don’t tend to shop in any of the stores focussed on teenagers and much younger women; I know the brands that work for me and that is where I shop.
I know my own economic value too, for heaven’s sake middle-aged women are a powerful economic force. Own that, and if you are not being looked after in a store, make your feelings known in any way you see fit, walk out, and take your money to a business that will treat you with the respect you deserve. Step into your power!
Because we do have economic power, and brands are increasingly reaching out to the market of mature women. No, it isn’t happening everywhere but it is happening so why not support those brands that support us. If you need inspiration I recommend you get online on Instagram and Pinterest and also that you subscribe to Broad Magazine. Broad features beautiful clothes from local designers who know how to make mature women look and feel their absolute best. And isn’t that what we all want to do?
If you are close to retirement or retired and you no longer know what to wear, you might find this post on what to wear in retirement and how to build your retirement wardrobe, helpful.
Are there situations where you feel invisible? What tips do you have to help other women feel confident?
My Kitchen Stories | 09th April 2017 at 8:18 pm
How lovely to see this discussion. I do feel invisible a lot of the time these days. It’s funny because when I was young I always used to get so much attention and I hated the wolf whistles and being treated like a piece of meat, but it’s just such a change when you suddenly feel invisible. I have to talk to myself all the time… and make sure I am kind to myself . Hey. I am still here and I am going to enjoy it.
Jan at Retiring Not Shy! | 10th April 2017 at 5:20 pm
Thanks Tania. I think it is really easy to feel invisible but it is up to each of us to change that for ourselves. And, as you say it can be very uncomfortable feeling visible for all the wrong reasons. Keep sending yourself positive vibes 🙂
Paula @ The Geeky Shopaholic | 07th April 2017 at 11:23 am
Love this! And I agree that we should never read those articles that tell us what to wear or not wear past a certain age!
Jan at Retiring Not Shy! | 07th April 2017 at 11:29 am
Thanks Paula. I despise those articles and really do wonder about the minds of those who write them and publish them. Thanks for visiting.
Beck | 01st April 2017 at 6:28 pm
i agree with this piece fully. I almost always have negative thoughts about myself, and don’t need others doing it as well. I have heard about this invisible woman syndrome that seems to surround middle aged women and my reply is we all become middle aged at some time so we should be uplifting to one another not putting each other down
Jan at Retiring Not Shy! | 02nd April 2017 at 6:20 am
So pleased this resonated with you Beck and yes, we definitely need to be lifting each other up as well as watching our self talk.
Thanks for dropping by ☺
Min Write of the Middle | 01st April 2017 at 10:53 am
Agree with every word you’ve written! I often write on my blog about self-care and the fact that as women we are most often our worst critics with that inner voice putting ourselves down. Since we often already have a battle with ourselves, we certainly don’t need friends or family putting us down. People who lift us up are who we should surround ourselves with. It’s hard to change that around but being aware of it is a start. I too shop only in the stores that have the brands that suit and flatter me. I’m well aware of the invisible woman syndrome but I’m not going to let it bother me. I’ll wear what I want to wear and what makes me feel good. To be honest, I think middle-aged women are beautiful! #TeamLovinLife
Jan at Retiring Not Shy! | 01st April 2017 at 11:24 am
Thank you, I am so glad those words resonated with you. Self-awareness and checking in are both really important and self-love – well it is the absolute foundation of a good life. I too think middle-aged and older women are beautiful and we deserve to be appreciated and valued but as you say that has to start inside. Thanks so much for joining the conversation.
sammie@theannoyedthyroid.com | 01st April 2017 at 8:20 am
What a great post, Jan! I’ve never been especially confident in general but the older I get the more confident I become. As for those nay-sayers and putter downers, it’s like the Minimalists say “you can’t change your friends, but you can change your friends.” (You have to read that with the right intonation but I’m sure you get the gist!) When I think of all the women in my life, I think they actually have become stronger, more confident and definitely more empowered as they’ve got older. Just like a good bottle of red, we just seem to get better with age!
Jan at Retiring Not Shy! | 01st April 2017 at 11:25 am
Thanks Sammie. I too have definitely become more confident as the years have rolled by. I care less about what others think (unless I know I have done something dreadful). I love that saying, I hadn’t heard it before but it is perfect.
Here’s to fine red wine – cheers!
Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit | 31st March 2017 at 2:15 pm
definitely got to surround yourself with cheerleaders. People who lift you up rather than put you down.
#teamlovinlife
Jan at Retiring Not Shy! | 31st March 2017 at 2:31 pm
Absolutely true Leanne, I couldn’t agree more and if you don’t have cheerleaders yet you need to go out and find them 🙂
Denyse Whelan | 30th March 2017 at 10:16 pm
Great discussion & article Jan! I’ve never felt invisible but at times I’ve been less than confident about my appearance but dressed “as if I were” .. I’ve always had an affect of assuredness & confidence which was handy when I did a solo oS trip aged 56. I admit though that as someone who had to present a particular image in my former worklife in education i now relish anonymity & being “invisible” by choice!
Jan at Retiring Not Shy! | 31st March 2017 at 2:30 pm
Thanks Denyse, I agree that being invisible by choice is great to be able to achieve. The difficulty is when we want to be visible and don’t. I don’t tend to experience that but I know a lot of women do.,
Denyse Whelan | 01st April 2017 at 8:53 am
And I know what you mean and I think it’s good to raise the topic and for people to realise it IS an issue in today’s fast paced, youth-focussed society. Thank you for sharing!
Jan at Retiring Not Shy! | 01st April 2017 at 11:26 am
Thank you x
Lyndall Guinery-Smith | 30th March 2017 at 8:05 pm
My Mum used to complain about being invisible in her later years. I’m into my 50’s and haven’t experienced it as yet, although I really couldn’t give a toss whether men (other than my hubby) notice me or not. I feel great about my age and rather empowered to now feel confident in who I am and what I believe in. #TeamLovinLife
Jan at Retiring Not Shy! | 31st March 2017 at 2:29 pm
Hi Lyndall, it may be that you never experience it and it is great that you feel empowered and confident. I certainly feel more that way now than when I was younger. It is a wonderful feeling to have.
Johanna | 30th March 2017 at 10:11 am
This post spoke to me on many different levels and made me look at how I’ve really felt from the age of about 50. I think I’ve been in denial a lot of the time about getting older, but every now and then I realise that I am treated differently or can walk into a room and be completely invisible. Sometimes I’m okay with that – after all I figure I’ve ‘had my time’ but sometimes if people are just plain rude then I get decidedly antsy about this growing old business! Keeping healthy, staying active, enjoying life and being there for others – that’s what I’m really really interested in these days.
Jan at Retiring Not Shy! | 30th March 2017 at 10:29 am
Jo I think you have hit the nail on the head; know what your priorities are and speak up where you feel the need. Optimal enjoyment of life is sure to follow.
Deborah | 30th March 2017 at 9:39 am
I feel more positive about my age now I’m part of a supportive FB group for middle aged bloggers. It’s changed the way I think a little and I now follow fashion pages or older women etc..
I think the thing that worries me a little is that I feel I’m past my prime or that time is running out. Professionally and relationship-wise I guess (as I’m still single).
Jan at Retiring Not Shy! | 30th March 2017 at 10:35 am
Deborah I think many of us have the sense that time is running out but for me that’s just another reason to grab life with both hands and give it a darn good shake.
I wouldn’t necessarily give up professionally or relationship wise unless you want to. I didn’t start my current relationship until my mid 40s and plenty start much later.
And yes I agree, having support is so important and online support works incredibly well.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
Sue Loncaric | 30th March 2017 at 9:35 am
Excellent post Jan!!! I often hear women saying they feel invisible especially when they retire and yes that can happen. BUT… it is really up to us isn’t it. We don’t have to listen to that negative voice in our heads we are fabulous women with life experience much to offer. I have met so many women like this through blogging who know who they are and are making their voice heard. Thanks for shining the light on this! Sharing on my FB page.
Janet aka Middle Aged Mama | 29th March 2017 at 11:38 am
In a way it’s kind of a relief to not be as visible. Miss 20 for example won’t set foot outside the house without doing her makeup; it’s true, everybody looks at her when we are out (plus she is just STUNNING). I like being able to go under the radar and not have to do makeup etc if I don’t want to!
Jan at Retiring Not Shy! | 29th March 2017 at 2:41 pm
No doubt everyone is different and I can understand there being situations where one does want to go under the radar. However, when a woman is needing service to buy something and has good money to spend, it is in so many ways totally unacceptable that she be ignored.
Kathy Marris | 28th March 2017 at 12:06 pm
This is such a timely post Jan. Since turning 60 I have been feeling decidedly frumpy and invisible. Some of the staff in trendy stores simply ignore me when I walk in. I had two snooty young shop assistants completely ignore me the other day. They were talking between themselves and when I tried to get their attention to ask a question they looked at me as if I shouldn’t have been in their store and kept talking. I hate this type of rudeness! I do think some of us more mature women are overlooked and ignored because of our age and appearance. I don’t see why we have to dress up smartly to prove to people we are worthy. We are very much taken at face value, which is entirely unfair. I like to think that we still have so much to offer and I for one will not be throwing in the towel! 🙂
Jan at Retiring Not Shy! | 29th March 2017 at 2:45 pm
Kathy you have no need to feel frumpy!
There is no excuse for rudeness and I think we do need to step up on that. I would be asking those young women whether or not they have reached their annual sales targets yet – that might cause them to think again and I wouldn’t hesitate to take to social media to have something to say. None of us should feel humiliated or ignored and the owners of those businesses need to know that they are missing out on our expenditure. We certainly don’t need to prove our worth to anyone else but we do need to continue to monitor our own self worth.
You certainly do have much to offer and I am glad you don’t plan to throw in the towel xx