… and I don’t mind saying it.
Why you might ask? Well, I seem to witness a lack of manners and courtesy on a regular basis.
Maybe it’s because I have been bingeing on Downton Abbey where manners are considered essential, maybe it’s because last year we spent 5 weeks in France where the population is predominantly polite and quite formal. Or maybe it’s because I’m getting old and grumpy. I’m not sure, but grumpy I sure as hell am.
I don’t expect anyone to attend Swiss Finishing School but I do expect common courtesy to be well, common. However, it’s seemingly increasingly rare, and it’s absence is not confined to any particular group. Sometimes you see acts of unexpected courtesy, extended gratuitously, which warm the heart … and other times …
Recently we had someone coming around, following a big and quite expensive favour we had done them. A mutually convenient time was arranged and, as is usual in our household, we prepared to make them a coffee, procured biscuits and left our work spaces to await their arrival. After 20 minutes we began to wonder if something awful had happened – otherwise surely they would have called? But no, they arrived half an hour late, with no apology and when offered coffee said “oh no we just had one” … while we were waiting for them. Fair to say it wasn’t only our coffee that was steaming.
I don’t know whether it is because people think that we are retired and have plenty of time on our hands, but even if that was the case (it’s not, we both work in our businesses) it is rude and inconsiderate. Even if we were only waiting for them to arrive and then leave so we could go to the beach, it is still our time and it is valuable.
I also see a lack of manners in many small ways; people starting to eat at a private dinner whilst those serving the food are still in the kitchen. Whatever happened to waiting until everyone was seated? Is that too much to ask or have they not eaten for a week and will expire if they have to wait. And don’t even start me on talking with your mouth full; I know, I know that person has something so life changing to spray say and you need to hear it NOW.
We love our mobile phones but taking a mobile phone call when you have been invited to dinner? Why even take your mobile unless you are in the middle of a family emergency? It can wait!
And it’s not just me that is being affected.
Note the recent brave act by some cafe owners who have signs up basically saying “if you are on a mobile phone, we won’t take your order”. What makes someone think that other customers should wait while they finish a conversation?
I recently attended a half day photography course and not surprisingly we were asked at the beginning to turn off our mobile phones. Nothing rude about that. The amazing thing was what the course leader then told us. It seemed that in the past the request to turn off mobiles had not been made. He recounted two incidents:
- A class attendee was (without permission) videoing the course content and told the course leader he should stop moving around so much as it was making it difficult to get the footage.
- A woman answered her phone when it rang, sat in the class room, continued her conversation and then asked the course leader to keep his voice down as she was trying to have a conversation.
I also recall a friend telling us that she had invited some of her friends around for a meal and when the friend arrived she was accompanied by two sons. That was fine because it was an informal meal; what was not fine was that the two young men were shirtless. Sorry, not acceptable, even at a BBQ.
You notice I haven’t even begun to describe the behaviour of some on our roads. I think there is another whole post in that (but fear not, I won’t bore you on that score).
So what do you think, am I just intolerant? Are we becoming a rude and inconsiderate society? What displays of poor or very good manners have you witnessed lately?
It won’t kill you | Retirement Planning Info | 11th April 2016 at 4:54 am
[…] close friends die intestate or are critically ill but have no power of attorney in place. Just like manners and courtesy there is seemingly no socio-economic pattern here either. I wonder what the barriers are to putting […]
Monique@The Urban Mum | 22nd March 2016 at 6:18 am
I love this topic and I cannot stand bad manners, I wax ad nauseam to my young boys, recently writing a letter to them that I read at a family function (to standing ovation from the adults and cringing from the boys…), it essentially reminded them that good manners will take them a very long way. Predominantly because they will stand out in the increasingly bad mannered crowd.
Not standing for elders on the bus, mobile phones, table manners, listening to others opinions and respecting them – goodness I could go on. However in the interest of manners I will let someone else have a say. xxx
Jan from Retiring Not Shy! | 23rd March 2016 at 6:05 am
Monique, I do hope your boys will come to realise how fortunate they are, I am sure they will. No doubt many people around them will be so pleasantly surprised because as you say, they will increasingly stand out in the crowd . No doubt their good manners will win them a few hearts too 😉
Thank you for your contribution to a better world xxx
Karin @ Calm to Conniption | 19th March 2016 at 10:50 am
It is so sad the lack of respect people have for each other these days and isn’t just young people. It is like people are just simply ditching empathy and consideration for others.
Jan from Retiring Not Shy! | 19th March 2016 at 10:58 pm
I totally agree with you Karin that it isn’t just young people, it is like we have all become self obsessed and forgotten that we need to be considerate. That’s why I liked the quote so much. I think we all need to slow down and look around us a bit more and then consider our actions.
NormalNess | 19th March 2016 at 3:16 am
It’s not intolerant, it’s lacking a lot of basic consideration. If you have to take a phone call during something, that’s fine (we can’t know the reason why someone may have to – eg at work I’ve been keeping my phone both NOT on silent and on me at all times because my husband keeps ending up in the emergency dept) but take it outside and don’t bother others with your conversation.
Jan from Retiring Not Shy! | 19th March 2016 at 4:13 am
There are always good reasons NormalNess and yours is certainly a good one – BTW I hope your husband is OK. As you say, there are better ways to handle a phone call and taking it outside is the ideal solution. That was what amazed me about the photography class situation – there was a quiet and comfy sitting spot right outside the classroom door!
Mystery Case | 17th March 2016 at 5:20 am
Completely agree with you. Shaking my head at the examples you’ve shared but have seen much the same myself.
Jan from Retiring Not Shy! | 17th March 2016 at 5:54 am
It’s enormously disappointing but as you say it does seem to be the norm. How do we turn it around I wonder?
Janet aka Middle Aged Mama | 16th March 2016 at 11:09 pm
You’re not the only one Jan. Hubster and I constantly flabbergasted at what people think is acceptable behaviour.
Jan from Retiring Not Shy! | 17th March 2016 at 1:04 am
Some of it really is quite amazing isn’t it Janet. In one way I am glad to know I’m not alone, but on the other hand it is worrying that it seems so prevalent 🙁
Juile Cavaney | 16th March 2016 at 11:03 pm
Totally agree with you. I am a teacher and expect manners and use them a lot. In turn both myself and my children get comments about what nice manners we have. It’s just a part of our speech. Great post.
Jan from Retiring Not Shy! | 17th March 2016 at 1:05 am
Good for you Juile, I am curious to know how you find that as a teacher, as you are of course one of the critical influencers in young lives.
It really isn’t that hard to be courteous it just takes some awareness but if adults don’t know what good manners are they can hardly be passed on to their children.
Kathy Marris | 14th March 2016 at 10:55 pm
No Jan you are not intolerant, old or grumpy. I was nodding my head at everything you said here, particularly the “running late” couple. I hate it when people assume that you have nothing better to do than wait for them. I also deplore bad manners and the mobile phone thing really gets to me. Although I do take my phone with most of the time, but that is to take a photo normally and not to talk on! I think the problem stems from a lack of parenting skills and no emphasis on politeness and manners. It’s a shame that society has gone this way.
Jan from Retiring Not Shy! | 15th March 2016 at 7:37 am
Hi Kathy, glad it touched a chord (or perhaps a nerve). There is just no excuse for bad manners. Like you, we take our phones with us to take photos but taking a non-critical call is just not acceptable.
I’m not sure how we get from where we are back to better manners but I certainly hope we do. Perhaps the quote at the top of this post should be mandatory daily reading for us all.
merilyn | 14th March 2016 at 8:39 pm
oh you’ve got me started hun! … hear, hear, jan, all of the above and more! … rude!!!
where are we all headed! … it’s becoming pretty clear to me!
I know it was strict when we where brought up, but we knew and know how to behave appropriately!
I try to slacken off these days, … because not fuddy duddy! and we didn’t need that many restrictions!
i see parents constantly negotiating with their toddlers, who are clearly overwhelmed by choices and are too young to partake in negotiations! … hellool … what do you want for dinner little prince or princess! … ok we know! it’s too exhausting! thank goddess i don’t have to deal with it! … there are too many choices and they are confused! … and most wouldn’t know the words ‘behave yourself’! … bottom line is all they know is what they want and they want it now!!!
i think we as a society is out of control! … and right across the board i am appalled at the high incidence of violence, that it is constantly being perpetuated on tv and dvd’s computer games etc! … this gives society a clear message that these thing are ok and a society shifts it’s thinking and behaviours to a fitting level! … a very scary path indeed!
we have had such freedom, but with that comes responsibility for one’s actions!
i’m going on to much but you get my drift as we are on the same timeline path!
i don’t get on my soap box often these days! … thanks for the chance!X
much love m:)X
Jan from Retiring Not Shy! | 15th March 2016 at 7:35 am
Ha Merilyn, I am pleased you felt ready to get on your soapbox and I hope you enjoyed the opportunity 😉
I was pleased to see that Curtis Stone has just come out saying that parents need to stop giving their children endless food choices – I didn’t see the interview, but understand the gist of it was ‘let them go without food if they are just being picky, they will eat when they are hungry’.
As you say freedom must come with responsibility and isn’t a natural right. We have to find a balance.
Suzie St George | 14th March 2016 at 7:38 am
Well, Jan. I definitely agree with you – but I know why. I’m old and grumpy – today at least! However, the reason for this interests me. Recently there was a study about the prevalence of ADDH in French and US children. Guess who won! It turned out that the Americans have a higher rate than the French partly because the Americans put a broader range of behaviours into the category, but on investigation the parenting behaviours were markedly different and considered a significant factor. As you say the French remain very formal in their social behaviours while the Americans are laissez-faire, Young brains need the structures of routine and if these are developed early such routines as arriving on time, sitting quietly at a table, thank you letters etc are part of established neural pathways. I am inclined to the belief that it is the Americanisation of parenting that has occurred over the past 20 or more years that has led to uncontained, careless behaviour that has no understanding of the value of consistent social behaviours in making people feel safe and respected..
Jan from Retiring Not Shy! | 15th March 2016 at 7:31 am
Suzie, I certainly agree about French parenting, it is well documented and we had the tangible proof last year; we enjoyed a Sunday lunch in a Paris restaurant full of young families. Without exception, the children were quiet and polite, not in a seen and not heard manner, but rather behaving in a civilised manner whether sitting at table or playing on the floor with a toy.
Whatever the influence of current parenting ‘strategies’ it seems to me that the 100th Monkey syndrome is also at play here in Australia. The couple who turned up late at our home were well into their 40s or possibly 50s. So how did they think it was so acceptable, I doubt very much it was their upbringing. These behaviours seem to be independent of age or social status. Fortunately there are also still people in our communities who do believe that courtesy is important